Epic Post Breakup Letter That I Never Sent But Is Worded Nicely So It's A Blogpost Now

"Dear Person.

This may turn out to be the hardest thing I have ever had to write, but written it must be. I have been thinking about what you said and how it relates to my life, and I think it all makes sense. Now that I haven’t been in constant contact with you, I’m starting to realize how much of my life was devoted to you. Things happen, and I have no one to share it with. A person will make an interesting comment, and I immediately try to figure out how to recant it to you so you will best understand and appreciate it. I have conversations with friends and can’t wait to tell you.

But, then I realize I must wait.

And then I realize I mustn’t.

I don’t think you were the center of my life, I’m not sure what was. I just know it wasn’t God, and that had to change. And, I’ve come to realize, I can’t change it while being in contact with you. I keep having dreams where one of us initiates conversation, and we get sucked back in and have to stop again, and it hurts so much. If I’m talking to you about it daily, then my journey to find God will become centered around you. In trying to find God, it will just bring us closer together in a way that shouldn’t be.

In order to find God, I need to give you up. Completely. I can’t hold out for the hope that one day our paths will cross divinely and we will have our ‘ever after’; if I do that, then I will be finding God to get to you.

On top of that, I need you to give me up. I need to know you aren’t waiting, when I can’t. Go out and find your Darcy, your Rochester. Let him whisk you off in a way I never could. To be honest, the thought of you with another guy doesn’t tear me up as much as I would think. However, the thought of you being discontent with another guy tears me up so much. I just want you to be happy. And even though what we had was the best thing I’ve ever experienced, I need you to know there is better. Much, much better. We are young, and what we felt was intensified by distance and adolescent dreams of what life could be.

You have been the biggest thing that has ever happened to me. You made so many songs make sense, you made people interesting. Your passion for life and understanding was infectious, and I was so stricken.

I read once that you should date people in a way so that if you break up, they’ll be better people because of it. Even though we did not officially date, the mere adventure of being your acquaintance has made me so much more than I could have imagined. Thank you for that. Thank you, for being you. You are breathtaking. Sometimes words fail me, and now is one of those times. I cannot fathom what you’ve been and meant to me, and how much talking to you has helped me in every conceivable way. You are a glowing individual, and one day you’re going to make someone a hundred times happier than you’ve made me, as unimaginable as that is to me.

Even though I think me saying those things might hurt you even more, I feel they need to be said. I can’t let this end without trying to express how you’ve impacted who I am. I don’t think I ever truly could, so I apologize for my feeble attempt.

I am not coming to visit this summer. A friend kept asking me to work at camp over the summer, and I kept turning him down because I thought I had control of my life. God showed me otherwise. So, I have submitted my application to be on kitchen or maintenance staff, and I hope to spend my summer trying to connect to God and other people.

I keep wanting to go into asides about everything. Whats happened this last week, what new realizations I’ve had. I want to hear about your day, what you’re doing in school, how you’re reacting to your friends insanity and inanity. I want to talk to you about how you gathered enough courage to send me that letter, and how my responses made you feel. I want to learn, examine, explore life with you. I just miss you so much more than I thought I could.

I’m not sure where this letter is going. I’m trying to find words to express something nameless, trying to answer a question that has yet to be posed. There are still a thousand things I want to say to you, but I can’t find the words. I want to apologize for another friend’s response to your message on Facebook. I read your reply and I know that she hurt you, and I’m so, so sorry that she did that.

I don’t know what I want you to become. I don’t want to forget you, and I know I never will. You’ve set the standard of what I want, and I don’t even know if anyone else could hope to come close. I’m glad we stayed pure."

I feel like I've had a passionate life.

Long Live The Chariot

I went and saw The Chariot last night. Again. I wish it could be a weekly experience, but sadly, today is there last leg of the tour, and I'm working.

drat.

I tried capturing some video on my nano, but I missed the best parts because I was too busy being blown away to remember that I should record it. This is a more whimsical moment from the night:

"Oh, my mic cord is stuck? I'll just pirouette while our merch guy untangles it."

(Sorry it's sideways.)

Another reason to love them: They're incredibly friendly and modest. They introduce themselves, hug, ask questions, show interest. Very Georgian.

I picked up 2 of their CD's, so a review of one or both should be coming... Once I review Underoath... and A Day To Remember.

hmmm...

On the plus side, excellent friends are home this weekend!

3 in 1!!!

So, three reviews in one blog post, what a privilege for you, dear reader!

First up: Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows Part 1. In a word: terrible. In two words: terribly boring. In several more words: terribly boring without any actual depth, character development, interesting dialog, creative lighting or unexpected anything. It is, at best, a shoddy collection of poorly filmed and barely connected scenes that amount to a waste of two and a half hours.

Don't waste your time or money.

Secondly: Skyline. Infinitely better than Harry Potter, and also better than expected. It has an almost identical plot to Cloverfield; people are at a party in an apartment in a big city, when something falls from the sky and strange things start to happen. While Cloverfield was game-changing and inventive, what with it's gritty, low-budget-yet-quality effects and hand held camera style, Skyline is just a bit more than a fun romp. There's layering to the movie, believable dialog, awesome special effects and shots, a mostly unknown cast and a fresh take on aliens.

While there were certainly facets of the film that weren't explored that a geek like me would love to know (mostly backstory stuff), it gave enough context clues to allow one to invent their own answers.

I would recommended hurrying to see it ASAP. Maybe wait for it to be in blockbuster, or download it illegally. If you enjoy sci-fi, this is a goody.

(And) Thirdly: A Day To Remember's new album What Seperates Me From You.

Actually, I'll review that later and (hopefully) post it along with my review of Disambiguation.

Dear Rachael:

Tertiary

I feel like my postings have gone downhill in their interest level.

But that's because I feel trapped in an in-between stage. I feel neither here nor there. Like I've lost something, but I'm holding a map to finding a better something, I just need to find North.

I always assumed getting my license would herald some sort of epic change. But. Nothing. I have no new insights. Only thing that really happens is that I misplace my phone more.

I helped out at a youth retreat this weekend, which was uncharacteristic of me (I thought), but I did it because I had no reason to say no, and I thought it would be fun. It was fun, but I thought it would be the sort of fun that makes me re-evaluate the world I live in and would leave a lasting impression. I haven't had something like that in a while. A catalyst for a mind-shift. I normally get a new perspective on life every few months, a new focus, a new issue to wrestle with.

But nothing seems to be shaping in the murk of the back of my head. I feel like I'm running in circles. My sister had to do a paper on Myers-Briggs Typology for her psych class, so I helped her since I was heavily into it at the beginning of the year. I went back and reread mine (ENTP) and it made a bit more sense, but I realized how much I haven't changed. I've become entrenched in a mindset, a lifestyle. I can't think of how to change it, or what would come of a change, or why I even should.

I'm not even sure if this is a legitimate issue or just something that I'm giving myself to gnaw on between real issues.

I'm not blue, I'm not purple, I'm in that realm beyond easy labeling, the blue-purple, the red-oranges.

I'm tertiary.

TPC and BAT. Hipster Points!

Still need to write my review of Underoath's new album, but I'm giving it it a grace period in case I stop disliking it... I'm starting to be afraid that won't happen though.

Currently listening to Tokyo Police Club (Champ), and it makes me think that life is going to change. Or that I'm going to find myself in the midst of an adorable relationship with an unpredictable girl. It's grainy music, as if it was a photo the ISO would be unbearably high.

I don't know.

I just apologized to a friend, and the band goes into the studio tomorrow, and I had a heady weekend, tried to write a list of goals, and this list doesn't have a point or connecting element.

I think I'm just trying to make sense of life. Even though it's not being confusing or throwing me curveballs.

I'm discontent in a not-unhappy way. Malcontent? I don't know.

Audrey Hepburn gave a charming description of a similar feeling in Breakfast At Tiffany's:

"No. The blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's been raining too long, you're just sad that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling? "

Except this feeling is a lot more ambiguous. I'm extremely something of something, but I'm not sure which of what.

If you figure it out, please let me know.

This Week In Review

Last Thursday I had an existential freakout and deactivated my facebook, then decided to take it a step further and just turn off my computer for the week.

I got so much done.

I started reading the Bible again, which was the main reason behind the whole fast, but I also cleaned my room, finished House Of Leaves ('Wow' is all I have to say), got my G2, saw the most amazing live performance ever (also "Wow"), got stood up for the first time, took a potentially epic friendship into stages of actual adventure and a host of other joyous activities. Obviously, not all of these things were dependent on me not having electronic interference in my life, but I found it odd to have so much 'free' time. As though the things I do on the computer were actually important.

I realized the issue is I would sit down to accomplish a worthy task, like blogging or writing a letter, but I would continually be distracted by mostly pointless things.

So, my facebook is staying deactivated for now. All I really miss is scrabble. And the thousands of pictures of my nephews.

As shown by that list above, quite a bit has happened over the last week. Each could really be a blog post in and of itself, but the thing I will focus on is the performance I saw on Tuesday: the almighty The Chariot:

There was supposed to be a picture here of the band playing, a picture that captured their indescribable intensity and passion, but, as I suspected, no such can exist. It would be like a tornado, a hurricane and a forest fire all encapsulated in Coke bottle.

I've tried to describe to people over the last few days how mind blo

wingly amazing this band was, but no one seems to get it. Not that it's a fault on their end. Putting into words the glory that transpired is tough.

Oh, and Lights was there. She tweeted this photo:

This would be Josh Scogin, the frontman for The Chariot, being his wonderful entertaining self.

Another sign of how excellent this band is: I bought one of their band T's. I have a personal philosophy of not wearing graphic T's in general, esp. ones that advertise things I don't get paid to advertise.

There are only 4 bands on this planet that I would wear their merchandise, and The Chariot is one.

Also, had epic talk with one of my closest friends the ride there, and the ride back.

Oh, and earlier that day I had my first mentorship meeting. Then I got my G2.

I would say that was the best Tuesday of the week, by far.

Well, she is waking up

And she is finding out she has no pulse

Just like her "God" that she is trying to sell

But she ain't bought

Her lion is scared

Because he is finding out

She's waking up and he can't stop breaking down

And fading out as she gets up

Well, she looks around, Ariel

You have no pulse

Much like your religion, but it's fine

Just fake it

The wrath of God's grace is but an ocean to a child