Metaperception

The idea of 'meta' is something that's been a mainstay in my brain for the last 8 months or so. More or less, it's the next degree of something within itself, so meta-conversation would be talking about talking, and meta-emotion would be how you feel about how you feel. A more common example is metadata, which is data about data (which could be the information about a song that is attached to it, such as artist, album, genre, etc).


I know a guy, and he is fascinating because of the apparent disconnect between how I view him, and how I think he views himself. Last week I was writing, and a friend offered that I write about someone I consider weaker than myself. Here's an excerpt of said writing exercise:

It was as though all of the things that most people consider helpful were inherently awful. His eyes would seem to show some sort of interest, and indeed his ears were perched in your direction, but they were not listening to the big picture. The grand scope of what was being said would be blotted out as he listened directly to the syntax, searching for that loophole that would allow him to take and de-construct what it was you had been saying. Inasmuch as he enjoyed this thoroughly, he had never stepped outside of his head since his first year of post-secondary education. He had never grown to realize that people do not, in fact, want to be proven wrong all the time; indeed, they usually hated him for it. Being so self-absorbed did not leave him times for those musings, and he contented himself by remembering all the brilliance that had spewed from his mouth, a roaring flood of sewer water. 
 Currently, a friend was trying to explain to him why the girl he had been so enamoured with for the last two months was, in fact, not the correct girl for him. He latched onto the word correct, and went on a very verbose, but substance lacking tirade about how ‘correct’ implied that there was an ‘incorrect’ girl for him, but that all relationships had the opportunity to work, if only those involved in the relationship would actively work towards it. He had, of course, ignored his own advice in the last three relationships he had been in, and had ended things as soon as the initial thrill was gone. “It’s just not worth working on if you don’t feel anything, you know?” He had shared with a friend at the bar after his latest relationship had dumped him and he tried desperately to rationalize it as something he wanted.


He was the kind of attractive that had to learn to be content with existing very heavily in the ‘cute’ arena. While there was a certain, slim degree of rugged sexiness in him, it emanated more from his smile, and orbited around the idea of something fun, as opposed to the powerhouse of raw, masculine sexuality that he considered himself. His height placed him squarely as slightly below average, and as such he had spent far too much time reading things he didn’t understand, trying to bulk up his brain to make up for the lack of physical strength he thought someone of his level of gorgeous should have. Not only did he not understand the texts he perused, he did not understand that he did not understand. Indeed, he thought he had an expert, natural grasp of transcendentalism, existentialism and a host of other ism’s that had far too many subtle nuances for someone as obtuse as him to grasp.
He was, however, perfectly amiable, and because he considered himself to be a scholar, he thought his words of wisdom would be beneficial for those going through issues, and so he listened attentively to people’s problems. People thought he was interested in them, not in expressing his self-assumed brilliance, and so they would often come to him with their struggles; this was only when these peoples real friends were predisposed with things such as performing CPR or climbing Vesuvius. He was not aware of this, and assumed that everyone loved his sage like advice (which he rarely gave, because after listening for thirty minutes about someone’s life, he was usually far too lost in thoughts of how excellent his response would be that he usually forgot to respond). People were unaware of this, and assumed he had a genuine interest, so the cycle persisted.

I'm aware my view of him isn't correct, in the same way that any view of anyone isn't correct. It can be grossly incorrect, but never perfectly correct (a paradox, but such is life). I like to think the disconnect between how I view him viewing himself and how he views himself and how he views me viewing him is where our relational awkwardness comes from. In my head, he views himself as some learned scholar who is a well of wisdom and advice, whereas I actually view him as a self-inflated pompous ass who doesn't know that he doesn't know too much. I feel as though he views me as an ignorant kid who thinks he knows too much, and has much to learn from him, and indeed, he probably could teach me things. Whether or not I care about them is a different story. 


Between heavily different metaperceptions of each other is such an interesting place to be. Not necessarily with him, but rather with people who have a bearing on my life, like parents and friends.This whole mess of perception, and how we perceive others perception of us is such an interesting realm. In all honesty, I find myself comfortable with people who I think think that I can help them, that I am interesting. If I think that someone thinks that I am boring, or silly, or over-thought, I don't have much of a desire to rectify their perception or prove myself to them. This isn't an absolute rule, but a generalization. I can think of a few relationships that don't operate from this paradigm, but also a lot that do. 


I suppose I could try operating under his presumed perception of me, and ask him for advice and wisdom, but I've heard his advice to others, and its not my cup o' tea. To have a relationship with him would involve a huge expenditure of patience. If I need a frustrating challenge, I'll pursue something with him. For now, there are other people to foster (see what I did there?). 


 There is no real thesis to this, but that's alright. I'm discovering that I use this blog mostly as a public journal that I can reread and use a reference for things that I was thinking and idea's I was working through. So, if someone else did read this, welcome to my mind (also, if you did read this, you are not the person I was talking about. I'm not someone he looks to for affirmation, so there's no reason for him to want me to want him, so he wouldn't have read this).